My Point Exactly

Additional Charges Forthcoming

2010-08-03T21:38:00.000-07:00

The best part of this article was at the very end... "if you believe you have been a victim of such a crime..."

How would you NOT know this for sure??

Yawn...Stretch

2008-04-05T05:44:00.000-07:00

Headline: Couple Sues Google Over "Street View"

According to the Borings, they purchased their Oakridge Lane home in late-2006 for "a considerable sum of money," noting that a "major component of their purchase decision was a desire for privacy."

They're just pissed off that their last name is Boring. Can you imagine the comments those people must've received because of that? The torment would begin as soon as introductions were made. Hi, I'm Mr. Boring. No doubt, it was downhill from then on.

That's the cause of their mental suffering, not the picture of their house. How many times have they heard these responses?

No, actually, I don't have time to see your Boring family vacation slides. I'd rather watch a 24-hour marathon of Joanie Loves Chachi.

Um, I'd love to attend your Boring Christmas party, but I have a last-minute root canal that I need to take care of.

If I were the wife, I'd have one of those hyphenated names just so I wouldn't be completely associated with such a Boring last name.

Unless her maiden name was Schitzalot, then I can see how Boring would be a step up.

But to step up and sue Google is a stretch. I don't know if they'll win, but I'm sure it'll bring a little excitement to their otherwise boring lives.

A Fateful Trip, Indeed

2008-03-12T09:46:00.000-07:00

Headline: Gilligan Island's Dawn Wells arrested

A surprise birthday for actor Dawn Wells, best known as Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island, ended with the actor being caught with marijuana in her car driving home.

Looks like the Skipper wasn't the only one who had a little bud on that island.

I guess they'll have to change her character's name from Mary Ann to Mary Jane from now on. Which could explain the raging appetite for coconut creme pies.

Luckily, she only has to deal with 6 months of probation instead of jail. I'm sure it would be too traumatic for her to relive the whole no phone, no lights, no motor cars, not a single luxury thing all over again.

Obviously, the buzz from that Honey Bee episode is where it all began.

Tragic when you think of it really, how she lived her life as a castaway only to cast away her life.

But seriously though, what does it take to rescue this friggin' woman?!?

Once a maroon, always marooned.

Grams for Grams

2008-02-06T07:23:00.000-08:00

Headline: Grandma Allegedly Hides Cocaine in Bra

Broward County authorities said a grandmother was arrested for hiding cocaine in her bra during a drug raid in Oakland Park.

A police spokesman stated it was the biggest drug bust they had ever seen.

A Loss of Rites

2007-12-31T07:50:00.000-08:00

Headline: Inmate Says He Needs Thor's Hammer, Drum

An inmate is suing the Utah Department of Corrections for denying him his right to practice an ancient Nordic religion while behind bars.

As long as he is in prison, I fear the only thing he'll end up with is a Thor ass.

Lawsuit and Thai

2007-12-05T16:56:00.000-08:00

Headline: Viagra Pumps Up Thai Political Race

BANGKOK, Thailand (AP) -- Vote-buying is an old practice in Thai politics, but one candidate for December's Thai election has reportedly come up with a new tactic — handing out Viagra instead of cash.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the erection results are in...

Well, that's one way to track voter polls. Speaking of, I'd be afraid of the voting booth. Will they use a polling station or just some out-of-the-way gas station?

Certainly gives new meaning to casting your vote. Which leads me to believe chad won't be the only pregnant thing they'll have to worry about.

But even if he does go to trial, he can almost bank on a hung jury.

Reach for the Sky, Mister!

2007-11-26T04:19:00.000-08:00

Headline: Geronimo's rifle, Wyatt Earp's shotgun auction

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - A Springfield rifle owned by the famed Apache warrior Geronimo fetched $100,000 during an auction of Wild West guns and weapons that brought in more than $1 million.

I wonder how an auction of this type would work. Would you raise your hand when you wanted to bid on an item, or would you just shoot a whiskey bottle off of the bar?

I would imagine for Custer's saber, one would just have to wave a white flag.

Hopefully, it was a silent auction. God only knows how irritating it would be to hear a roomful of people yelling Geronimo every 3 seconds.

It's pretty cool, though, that those Wild West guns collected more than a million dollars. I would imagine the last time that happened, train/bank robberies were involved.

No, No, No...

2007-10-01T09:02:00.000-07:00

Headline: Mammoth Hair Yields Ancient DNA, Study Says

The thick coats of shaggy hair that kept woolly mammoths warm on the icy tundra have yielded enough intact DNA to sequence their genomes, a new study reports.

I wonder what they'd find stashed in her mammoth hair.

Green Circle in the Red Square

2007-09-10T14:03:00.000-07:00

Headline: Starbucks opens first coffee shop in Russia

"This is an important step for the company, and we are looking forward to being a part of every day life for Russians"

As if the menu wasn't hard enough to pronounce already. Damn!

Might I suggest an advertising slogan: We put the rush in Russian.

I'm sure it won't matter anyway, so long as you're allowed to add 2 shots of vodka to your caramel macchiato.

Hey, now that's an idea. Maybe after a few of those, I'd be able to speak Russian fluently...or, at least, something like it.

Arrest in Peace

2007-08-24T17:35:00.000-07:00

Headline: Grave injury for drunk driver

"Eventually she ended up stuck in a grave and couldn't get out, so we had to pull her out," a police spokesman said. "She said she'd come to visit one of her relatives' graves."

I guess one foot in the grave just wasn't quite good enough for this woman. Amazing how one spirit can lead to another, isn't it? She's probably drinking over the death of her car now, as well.

The way I see it, one good thing that could be unearthed from this incident would be a new scenario for VW's "holy shit" commercials.

Random Acts of Contrition

2007-08-21T05:18:00.000-07:00

Headline: Would-Be Nun Robber Nabbed in Wisconsin

The man broke into the 61-year-old Catholic nun's home shortly after 8 a.m. Tuesday, police said. When she told him she had no money, he forced her to drive him around in her car for almost an hour in search of money.

What part of nun didn't he understand?

him: give me your money, sister!

her: i don't have any.

him: none?

her: nun.

him: nun?!

her: yes, none.

him: Jesus Christ.

her: exactly!

He's so lucky he didn't pull that stunt on my high school Theology teacher, Sr. Mary Beatyourass. She would've taught him a lesson or two.

So far, he hasn't been charged with anything, but I'm hoping once he goes to jail, he'll be made to kneel in the corner on uncooked rice for 3 hours every day.

The One That Got Away

2007-07-30T13:33:00.000-07:00

Headline: Thief battered in fish shop

CANBERRA (Reuters) - A man who attempted to rob an Australian fish and chip shop found himself on the losing side when the angry shop owner threw fish batter and hot oil at him.

Hopefully the scales of justice will tip on the side of the shop owner. But just in case, he'd better hire himself a good de-fins attorney.

Tick Tock Tick Do Do Do Doooo

2007-07-02T16:46:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, a group of us went out to see The Steve Miller Band play. They were at the same casino where I saw the New Cars awhile back. And luckily, security was much more relaxed. That was a nice surprise considering the crowd was bigger this time around.

We had great seats on the 2nd row, slightly off center. All of us had been looking forward to this for a few months and couldn’t wait for it to begin.

They set the pace with Fly Like an Eagle and made it last seemingly 20 minutes. It was like a garage jam session, which I thought was fantastic. Somewhere along the line, they went all out with the blues and even played Crossroads.

I’ll tell you what – that Steve Miller is one hell of a guitar player. I had no idea just how talented he is, along with the rest of the band. Their harmonica player was especially cool and could play the hell out of that thing.

They did just about all of their hits and everyone sang every word right along with them. We were waiting for Jet Airliner and Jungle Love, which we thought would be their encore songs, but to no avail.

If the rest of the show hadn’t been so great we would’ve been disappointed about them not playing those two songs. When it was over, we piled on the bus and went back to the casino, in hopes of having our own chance to take the money and run.

While my sister and I were walking around, this guy came up to us and said, “hey I know you guys!” And we’re all having the …um, do I know you? look on our faces. But after a couple of seconds, it dawned on me.

“Oh, you’re the harmonica guy!” I felt bad for not remembering his name, which is Norton Buffalo, but he didn’t seem to mind.

He chitchatted with us for a good while, talking about typical where’re you from, blah blah stuff. We asked him why they didn’t do those two songs. And he said the sound wasn't right to them and whenever Steve was ready to quit, that was it – they followed his lead. But the songs were actually on the set-list to do.

The whole time I couldn’t believe we were standing there talking to him as though he was one of our old friends. He was very much a regular guy and totally nice. He said he recognized us from the audience and wanted to stop and say hello.

We couldn’t wait to tell everyone he actually recognized and stopped us, instead of the other way around. At one point during the concert, my sister and I thought we caught his attention, but you always think that and it’s usually never true.

The rest of the bunch couldn’t believe it and we just laughed about it for the remainder of the stay and on the 3-hour drive back home.

I joked that if my brother-in-law hadn’t been there, we would’ve ended up with tattoos and plane tickets to California to live our lives out like the Banger Sisters.

But that's okay, cause we're right here, right here, right here, right here at home.

Why You All Up in My Grill?

2007-06-09T16:35:00.000-07:00

Headline: Mich. Man in Wheelchair Takes Wild Ride

A 21-year-old man got the ride of a lifetime when his electric wheelchair became lodged in the grille of a semitrailer and was pushed down a highway for several miles at about 50 mph.

Need I say more? Aside from the fact that I'm going to hell in a wheelchair for laughing so hard at this story.

By the Gracie of God

2007-05-31T13:53:00.000-07:00

The other evening, while sitting on the patio with my husband discussing the day, my dog – Gracie – indicated she needed a drink of water. She did so by holding her canteen upside down and showing me that it was bone dry. Such a smart ass.

So, I opened the sliding door to the kitchen, let her in, and then shut the door behind her. She still never closes it on her own. I always yell at her about being born in a barn or something, which really pisses her off because she was born under a carport – thankyouverymuch.

Anyway, we use one of those 2 x 4s as a double-locking mechanism along the rail of the doorway…yes, I realize a burglar could just break the glass if they really wanted to get in, but we use it anyway when we’re gone for any length of time.

So, Gracie came back to the door and accidentally stepped on that piece of wood, which made it flip over and naturally, it landed right on the rail.

First thought: Oh, shit. That bitch locked us out of the house!
Second thought: I knew I shouldn’t have made that barn remark.
Third thought: That bitch!

My husband and I both looked at the wood, then back at each other, and then back at the wood again.

Shit! What were we going to do?!

Having had years of military experience behind us allowed for quick thinking in a time of crisis. Both of us did what we had been trained to do in these types of situations: screamed at her repeatedly to open the frickin’ door!!

Gracie, meanwhile, started doing the Snoopy dance all over the kitchen with her tongue hanging out and tail wagging as if everything was just fine, and for her, it was.

We knew we were screwed because we always lock the front door and there was no way else to get in…aside from breaking a window, which I wasn’t ready to do just yet.

I got down on my knees to her level and tried to negotiate with her, but she had no use for a helicopter or a million dollars. Besides, the dog treats were inside. I knocked, pointed, and begged as though she actually understood what I was saying. Of course we all know, to her it translated to, “blah blah blah Gracie blah blah Gracie”.

She stared with delight at the tricks I performed for her. And while she paced back and forth, watching, her paw inadvertently tapped the board and it moved – slightly – but not enough to allow entry. Although it was enough hope for my heart to beat a little stronger, and my tail to wag a little faster.

Knowing she gets more excited to see my husband than me, I told him to sweet talk her and get her all hyped up enough to possibly hit the board again until the golden moment arrived for me to throw the door open.

There he was, his manliness, kneeling at the door, talking like a little girl, behaving as though he was just as excited to see her, even though he really wanted to kill her. (men cannot be trusted, but that’s another story)

Upon seeing this, she started jumping and hopping and getting crazy like she does and hot damn, if she didn’t step on that wood. When it flipped over I knew I had only seconds to open the door.

I’ll tell you, that door slid open faster than Oprah’s mouth at a free buffet. We both ran through the door hooting and hollering and doing a victory dance of our own as though we’d been locked out for weeks. Which it seemed like, although, it was only about 5 minutes, but life can get rough in the back yard without any provisions.

Of course, we promptly moved that 2x4 to a secure place so that would never happen again. At first, she walked a little funny, but she's getting used to it now. (no, I didn't really do that but the thought did cross my mind)

However, she will have to figure out other ways to lock us out in the future. But don’t worry; I already deleted the locksmith’s phone number from her cell. She thinks she’s so smart. Heh.

Just What I Needed

2007-05-17T04:46:00.000-07:00

As previously mentioned, it’s old band concert season around these parts. So, to continue with that thought the next band on my agenda was The Cars.

Or should I say The New Cars? They have a new lead singer, drummer, and bass player, but the guitarist and keyboardist are original members. And to me they were the backbone of that band anyway.

The new singer, however, is Todd Rundgren, who is a very established musician on his own. The drummer came from The Tubes and the bass player played with Todd in Utopia.

So they have a decent group of guys to start that engine up once again. And can I tell you? The New Cars purred like a kitten…with the growl of a tiger.

They rocked and sounded fantastic! I was a little worried about them having a new singer, but Todd did a great job singing Ric’s songs and didn’t change anything about the old music at all.

They played at a casino, so it wasn’t a gigantic group of people, but it was a good-sized crowd. My sister and I went and we had tickets on the second row. But a lot of seats were empty so as soon as the lights went down, we moved to the front.

They came out with Hello Again, which I thought was a very appropriate choice to open with. And then went screaming into Let’s Go.

The cool thing about seeing an older band is that you know every song. Although they do have a new CD out and their new songs are in the similar style as the others. They also did a few from Todd’s catalog as well. It was a win-win situation.

They had nothing to prove and obviously were in it for the fun, which made things run very smoothly. They really seemed to be relaxed and enjoying themselves. And that's what it's all about, right?

But the weird thing was that in this casino pavilion there were several security guards standing by to make sure the crowd was kept in order, which meant everyone had to stay in their seats…do not rush the stage…do not get up and dance...do not collect $200. What the hell??

It was like a lost scene from Footloose with everyone tapping their feet and bobbing their heads, but not allowed to express any emotion at all. Well, that, and the fact that Kevin Bacon slid down the aisle on his knees and got carted off by the cops. (Okay, that was a lie.)

I thought for sure I was going to get hauled off when I flew out of my chair as soon as Candy-O started up. I love that song. But when I caught the sit-the-hell-down looks of everyone around me, I complied and looked around waiting for someone to swoop down on me and slap on the cuffs.

Being a former military cop, I understand the concept of good order and discipline, but that was ridiculous.

About halfway through the show I went out for a drink and by the time I got back there was a small group of people standing in front of the stage. My sister told me it was finally allowed for whatever reason. Maybe somebody bitched. Either way, once the crowd gathered Todd told everyone, “it’s about frickin’ time!!”

So, now it was okay to get out of your chair….didn’t have to tell me twice. We were in front of that stage in 2 seconds.

I couldn't believe I was 2 feet away from Elliot Easton while he played songs like Just What I Needed and Good Times Roll. I was amazed and in the 12th grade all over again.

I loved The Cars all through High School and beyond, so I completely enjoyed their show and the ride they gave me sent me right back to 1984.

Next on the agenda of older bands: A Led Zeppelin Tribute band called Zoso at the end of this month - time to swing the fake hammer of the gods. The middle of next month will be The Steve Miller Band. I'm preparing to fly like an eagle even as I type. And also at the end of next month will be the The Police. Looking forward to all of them and will be sure to tell you all about it.

The Show Must Go On

2007-05-16T11:00:00.000-07:00

Some of you may be wondering what I've been doing lately. Well, one thing I've been up to is going to concerts.

It seems all of these old bands happen to be on tour in my area, people that I've wanted to see but couldn't for whatever reason. So now I'm taking the opportunity while it presents itself...and I'm enjoying myself all the way.

It's almost as though I've been transported back in time. Not exactly to the place where dinosaurs roamed but pretty damned close. There was a local festival going on with live music, etc, and one of the bands in the line-up was Three Dog Night.

Some of you might be saying to yourselves, “three dog who???” To that I say, you know that old hippie song, Jeremiah was a bullfrog…ba-ba-ba…he was a good friend of mine…. and so on. Well, those guys.

One of my sisters went to see them back in 1971 for her first concert experience. She was very excited at the prospect of seeing them again, so she headed up a group of us to go and see the show.

She unearthed the closets and found her leather peace symbol necklace and an album cover to bring along in hopes of getting it autographed.

So, on a sunny afternoon we headed out to the free outdoor concert. Lots of people were there but we managed to weave our way to the front.

Usually when you use the word flashbacks in reference to a Three Dog Night concert, LSD comes to mind. However, mine were caused by the music of my childhood. Of being in the first grade and singing along with the radio or watching my sisters do their groovy dances in the living room.

I actually got chills when they played Shambala and Celebrate. I can barely express how cool it was to have that peace, love, and happiness feeling of being 6-7 years old again without a care in the world.

It was also comforting to know that even though they're older, and some people might think they should hang it up, they still had it in them to not only perform but to do it very well.

If they come around to your area, I suggest you go. We had a great time. Oh, and by the way, my sister did get 2 autographs on her album cover.

Far-out, man!

Beast of Burden

2007-04-19T09:25:00.000-07:00

Headline: Horses may be drugged for Stones gig

BELGRADE (Reuters) - Preparations to sedate as many as 300 horses stabled at Belgrade's racecourse to keep them calm during a Rolling Stones concert have enraged Serb animal lovers who are lobbying to have the gig moved to another venue.

Yeah, well, so will the 100,000 people that show up for the concert...as well as the band members. So, what the hay?!

Wild, wild horses couldn't drag them away, right? Why all the long faces?

I'm sure all of the horses have back-stagecoach passes anyway. And I've heard reports that a large shipment of pony kegs were delivered to their stables last week.

Before they have their 19th nervous breakdown, they should just come to the realization that you can't always get what you want.

Welcome to the Det-N-Ate

2007-04-13T16:48:00.000-07:00

Headline: Diner scarred for life after sausage explodes in her face.

Witnesses described how the flaming chorizo sausage dish burnt out of control when a waiter topped it up with rum at a table packed with people.

He could've at least warned her first that he was about to rum....so much for his tip.

Flying Off the Handle

2007-04-09T04:29:00.000-07:00

Headline: Flight canceled after pilot's foul language

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - Northwest Airlines canceled a flight set to leave from Las Vegas to Detroit after the captain cursed on a cell phone in a bathroom, then swore at one of the 180 passengers on the plane, officials said on Saturday.

Damn. That's frickin' unbelievable. It's a good thing I'm not a pilot. I mean, shit, I wouldn't make it to the taxiway if that's the case.

What the hell do those people want from him? He must be cursing up a storm now that he's been grounded. Grounded. A grown man.

He probably also lost his TV and phone privileges, as well. If so, that would be a bunch of bullshit.

Especially if you consider how much cursing was going on in the cabin after the passengers found out their flight was cancelled.

Somebody Call K-9-1-1

2007-03-28T04:20:00.000-07:00

Headline: Dog Performs 'Heimlich' on Choking Owner

Toby, a 2-year-old golden retriever, saw his owner choking on a piece of fruit and began jumping up and down on the woman's chest. The dog's owner believes the dog was trying to perform the Heimlich maneuver and saved her life.

That's amazing. I can pretty much guess my dog wouldn't have done the same thing. She would've thought I was a giant squeaky toy and assumed it was time to play. And no doubt she would've walked off and found something else to do once the squeaking stopped.

That woman was very lucky to have such a smart dog. Mine didn't make it past the infant CPR class, much less learn the Heimlich. I still owe them money for the ripped up dolls. Stupid dog.

When reporters asked Toby to describe the ordeal, he paws'd for a moment and simply said ruff.

Shirley, You Can't Be Serious

2007-03-22T06:01:00.000-07:00

Headline: Airline Moves Dead Body to 1st Class

The economy section of the flight was full, and the cabin crew needed to move the woman and her grieving family out of that compartment to give them some privacy, the airline said.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Captain has turned on the WTF light.

Imagine the conversation between flight attendants once the news was out.

#1: "We have to get this woman to a morgue as soon as possible!"
#2: "A morgue, what is it?"
#1: "It's a big building where they bring dead people, but that's not important right now."

Oh, the cabin pressure of it all!

I suppose finding her a seat in First Class was better than trying to stuff her in an overhead bin. Hopefully they had the good sense to fasten her seatbelt - as if turbulence isn't bad enough!

Even David Zucker would've hesitated before laughing at the sight of her bouncing around the place uncontrollably. Yep. Hope they remembered to do that, not to mention, put 2 blankets over her as well.

Would landing precautions be pretty much useless at that point? Call it a long shot, but I would guess she would've remained in the upright and locked position long after she got off of the plane anyway. ugh!

Considering their limited options, an upgrade was a nice gesture on the part of the airline, afterall, pilot's wings pale in comparison to the angel variety any day.

Don't Hold Your Breath

2007-03-16T10:24:00.000-07:00

Headline: Florida teenager's hiccups return

A Florida teenager's intractable hiccups are back, just when she thought it was safe to return to school after the almost uninterrupted diaphragm spasm that had plagued her for five weeks subsided.

God...not this again. Would someone please put her out of her misery?

She's starting to get on my phrenic nerve.

Let the Banana Chips Fall Where They May

2007-03-15T03:30:00.000-07:00

Headline: Chiquita to Pay $25M in Terror Case

Banana company Chiquita Brands International said Wednesday it has agreed to a $25 million fine after admitting it paid terrorists for protection in a volatile farming region of Colombia.

Uh oh, looks like those guys have one foot in the grave and one foot on a banana peel. Unfortunately for their workers, the top bananas were not able to give the Feds the slip any longer. What a cluster they’ve gotten themselves into.

I’m not sure how hard of an investigation it had to be, though. Could anyone really be that surprised guerrillas would be leaning on Chiquita? It seems like that whole idea would be ripe for the picking from the very start.

Even though they were fined 25 million dollars, it is plantain to me the case will remain in the Court of Appeals for a while.

As for the unprotected workers, here’s some food for thought. When you see one of those Colombian military groups pass through town, look for the stickers on their helmets. If they have more than 3, it might be a good time to split.

When the Moon Hits Your Eye

2007-03-14T13:47:00.000-07:00

Headline: NYC Restaurant Offers $1,000 Luxury Pizza

Nino Selimaj unveils grand pizza featuring caviar, lobster.

That's a lot of dough for a lot of dough. But if he can actually get people to buy it, he'll definitely be able to sing vita bella.

Cucumbersome

2007-03-12T05:13:00.000-07:00

Headline: I-10 eastbound in Iberville Parish has reopened

After the impact, the Freightliner entered the left lane. The trailer split in two spilling its contents - cucumbers - onto the roadway and the engine from the Freightliner was thrown onto the roadway spilling engine oil into both lanes of travel.

One thing is for sure, the Eye-10 won't have any dark circles or puffiness for a long time.

Another One Bites the Dust

2007-03-09T03:52:00.000-08:00

Headline: Missing Iranian Official Not Cooperating With U.S.

A former Iranian deputy defense minister who disappeared from Turkey last month is not cooperating with Western intel agencies and his whereabouts remain a mystery.

You didn't hear this from me, but I have it on good authority that he's currently posing as the lead singer for a Queen Tribute band that plays nightly at a truck-stop casino in Laughlin, Nevada.

Locals playfully refer to him as the roadside bomb, but I'm sure the man is only trying to keep himself alive.

That Really Blows

2007-03-08T05:10:00.000-08:00

Headline: Camera Captures Tornado Racing Through Hospital

Surveillance video captured a tornado in Americus, Georgia as it approached and swept through a hospital. Power lines arched, and eventually wind, rain and debris rushed past cameras inside the hospital's hallways.

Now, that's what I’d call a surgical strike. Can you imagine the equipment flying around that place? Needles, scalpels, and bedpans – oh my. What a nightmare!

Wet paper-gown contests. Bodily fluid samples tossed all over the place. Coma victims, having no idea what was happening around them. Oh wait, that was Bourbon Street, never mind.

Seriously though, what would they do? Holler out of the back doors for an ambulance? Would everyone be directed to the emergency room? Would their medical insurance not cover Acts of God?

I guess they could set up a triage, especially since they’d have an actual tree to work out of now. Judging from the video, it had to be a mad house in there.

But what I found to be most intriguing about the whole thing is the fact that while a reporter was in one of the rooms, the camera panned across the damaged area, and sitting there - plain as day - was a plastic container filled with urine on the tray table.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t that thing have blown over if a tornado just passed through? I can’t believe the news crew had the audacity to take a piss in the jug before they started rolling. But I suppose a crisis affects everyone differently.

One thing is for sure – that facility will be known as a MASH unit from now on.

The Pecking Order

2007-03-07T06:52:00.000-08:00

Headline: "Mafia Birds" Make Others Raise Their Young ... Or Else

The study focused on the brown-headed cowbird. Females of the species lay eggs in the nests of other bird species, leaving the strangers to incubate and raise the cowbird chicks—or have their nests attacked.

I guess some stool pigeon must’ve tipped off the National Geographic guys. Once he sings and flaps on the witness stand hopefully he'll be offered some type of protection from those mafia birds or he’ll be flying way down south for the winter.

In some cases, the mafia bird's behavior isn't so different from humans. We just make it more socially acceptable and call it by a different name: day care.

Don't those birds realize if they leave their babies in a stranger's nest to be raised, there is a strong possibility of them picking up bad habitats?

Considering their line of work, I guess the phrase straighten up and fly right means nothing to them anyway.

After I read the article, I wondered what kind of threats those brown-headed thugs would give to anyone who didn’t play their game.

After a tremendous amount of thought - at least 2 seconds - I came up with the following: they could clip your wings, pluck you and your whole family up, dive-bomb your house, rip off your head and shit down your neck, or worst of all, you could wake up next to a horsefly’s head in your bed.

They say they haven't gathered enough evidence supporting the idea. However, I believe, when the shit hits the newspapers with that pigeon's testimony, they will have all they need to change those brown-headed cowbirds to orange-suited jail birds before long.

Maybe the witness protection program could set that pigeon up in a remote forest of California, as long as his new identity isn't on the endangered species list.

iPod Truffle Shuffle

2007-03-04T18:10:00.000-08:00

Headline: The Fratellis: From iTunes Ads to 'It' Band

The Glaswegian pop-rock band The Fratellis may be the next big-time Britpop sensation.

That's funny if you consider they may have named themselves after the villains from The Goonies, or at least that's what I'd like to believe.

Even though I think The One-Eyed Willies is kind of catchy as well, I guess they probably wouldn't have gained such popularity with a name like that.

(inhales from breathalizer)

Cushion the Blow

2007-02-28T05:29:00.000-08:00

Headline: Mass pillow fight

New Yorkers brought forth their inner child with vengeance in a massive public pillow fight in the heart of the city.

Pillow fights usually start out nice, until someone gets pissed off and really starts swinging.

My eyes always seemed to get popped by the corners of the pillowcase that left me twitching more than the commissioner from the Pink Panther movies.

Luckily, those guys weren’t on beds. There’s no doubt in my mind that someone would’ve been whacked directly across the face and knocked off onto the nightstand: game over.

Even if the pillows were filled with feathers, they are still potentially dangerous. Getting scratched by those little quills hurts like a bitch, you may as well bash someone with a porcupine.

I wonder how many people went home with a black eye or bloody nose from that one jackass who filled his pillowcase with bricks. There had to be somebody out there who wasn’t playing nicely.

Either way, it is a good idea to let your inner child run wild on occasion, as long as they clean up the mess before their parents get home.

Get Some Cohones

2007-02-23T07:14:00.000-08:00

Headline: Lawmaker Comes Down on Plastic Gonads

Annapolis, Md. The measure was filed in the General Assembly Monday by Delegate LeRoy E. Myers Jr., R-Washingon, who says children shouldn't be exposed to giant plastic gonads dangling from pickup truck trailer hitches.

The thing I find most funny about this, aside from the words, "giant, plastic gonads," is the thought of how many people actually have these things jangling from their bumpers that would prompt such an action in the first place.

I don't blame Myers one bit for attempting to grab the bull by the, um, horns and promote a little decency there. I would imagine it is a rather disgusting display, but would it be any less foul to hang them from the rearview mirror?

Instead of castrating the rights of the people, here's a suggestion that may satisfy everyone involved: place them on the dashboard.

At least then, while you lovingly admire your hefty hacky sacks, you could sing a happy tune.

"I don't care if it rains or freezes, as long as I got my plastic testes riding on the dashboard of my car..."

Cinema Enema

2007-02-15T10:39:00.000-08:00

Headline: Hollywood making Milli Vanilli movie

Hollywood trade paper Daily Variety reported in its Thursday issue that Universal Pictures is developing a film about the lip-synching combo, who lost their coveted Grammy for best new artist in 1990 when it emerged that they had never sung on their records.

Funny, I didn't realize Hollywood still made silent movies.

A Nobel Gesture of Love

2007-02-14T05:27:00.000-08:00

Headline: Valentines to squeak of love

Belgians tired of giving chocolate treats and flowers for Valentine's Day will be able to spend the evening squeaking out declarations of love in a bar selling helium.

That would be hilarious, in moderation, of course. You wouldn't want to lose your place at the bar just because you floated up off of your seat.

I've always wondered what Munchkins would've sounded like if they inhaled helium.

Would it have the opposite effect on them or would their extremely high-pitched voices blow the head off of Toto like that guy in Scanners?

Not only would he be merely dead, he'd be most sincerely dead.

And how funny would it be to hear helium-induced French accents?

"Do not come wiz me to ze Casbah - we shall make beautiful musicks togezzer right here!"

Yep, I'm thinking we all need to go to Brussels - - see what sprouts up.

A Heart Beating

2007-02-13T07:39:00.000-08:00

Headline: Some advice to take to heart -- take a nap

Those who made it a practice of napping at least three times a week for a minimum of 30 minutes had a 37 percent lower risk of dying from heart disease compared to non-nappers.

If that's the case, then I shouldn't have a problem - ever!

Although, I wonder if this practice will dramatically increase the risk of getting your lazy ass kicked by your significant other because you have failed to do, well, anything.

I Will Not Be IGNORED, Dan!

2007-02-08T06:59:00.000-08:00

Headline: After Being Charged With Attempted Murder, Nowak Has Embarassed NASA and Likely Grounded Her Career

Okay, unless you've been living under a moon rock, everyone knows about this psycho astronaut.

But what makes her so crazy? So she had in her possession a wig, a folding knife, a steel mallot, a BB gun, and pepper spray.

Correct me if I'm wrong but, aside from forgetting the duct tape, aren't those the same materials that were used to bring Apollo 13 back to Earth safely?

I don't understand what initially set off her rocket-boosters enough to want to kidnap this other woman. And where would she have taken her? Outerspace?

She's lucky she didn't have an affair with Major Nelson. Jeannie would've blinked that bitch back to Mars before she could say Ali Baba.

But the real thing that boils my rabbits is that fact that she has put a black mark on women in the space program and/or the Air Force with her silly antics.

That's one small step for man, one giant leap backward for women.

I'd say the only good thing that came from this is that her picture is worse than Nick Nolte's, who must be so relieved to lose that top slot.

Not to mention how much money and fuel were wasted launching an investigation on her. I guess that doesn't matter, as long as she wasn't flown on top of a 747 from the Cape to Houston.

Another thing that has me curious is will the other woman's lawyer refer to this case as the space suit? I know I would.

I'm certain it'll only take t-minus 20 seconds and counting for the jury to find her guilty. Without a doubt, she'll be off into the wild, blue women's penitentiary for a very long time.

Hope she really likes tang.

One False Move

2007-02-08T04:52:00.000-08:00

Headline: Woman on the wrong bus lost for 25 years

Jaeyana Beuraheng told her eight children she accidentally boarded a bus bound for Bangkok instead of Malaysia, and once there she boarded a second incorrect bus because she could not read or speak Thai or English, The Times of London reported Wednesday.

Who is this woman trying to fool? Wrong bus, my ass. Is she trying to say there was no way to use a phone or write a letter?

The song says one night in Bangkok - not a quarter of a century!

Although, I guess I can't blame her. With 8 kids, I probably would've gotten lost as well.

At least she had enough sense to reappear after they were all over 18.

Flaming Streakers

2007-02-06T05:24:00.000-08:00

Headline: Bright lights reported over Midwest skies

From southeastern Wisconsin to as far as Des Moines, Iowa and St. Louis, people reported seeing balls of fire, possibly meteors, streaking across the sky Sunday night.

Goodness gracious!

It’s not so much the great balls of fire that shake my nerves and rattle my brain, but mostly the fact that there is actually a county in Wisconsin called Winnebago.

Does this mean everyone in town either lives in or, at least, owns and operates one of those classic, bad-boy, motor homes?

As if the Wal-Mart parking lot didn’t have enough problems. Makes me wonder how many wrecks they have on the hour?

Come to think of it, I’ll bet close-up photos would reveal those flaming balls of light weren’t meteors, but really, propane tanks that had been launched without anyone’s knowledge after a minor fender bender.

Hank Hill would roll over in his cartoon grave if he knew what was going on.

I’ll even go so far as to say one of those recreational vehicles is still floating around in outer space after having been rear-ended at an intersection.

But there’s no sense in investigating this phenomenon. No matter how much you comb the desert, you still ain’t gonna find shit.

A Cool, Blue Note

2007-01-25T07:31:00.000-08:00

Headline: Be Cool, by Christian McBride

I believe it pays to be cool. Most people are always terribly stressed and hypersensitive to absolutely everything. They will age quickly. Cool people stay young forever.

Mr. McBride is a jazz musician who claims his grandfather taught him the art of being cool. Well, that's cool right there...my grandmother taught me how to feed chickens.

I’m curious as to how one would go about teaching someone to be cool. Did he sport a pair of Ray-Bans at age 5? Was the juice in his sippy cup shaken and not stirred? Was he forced to watch Shaft every evening?

I think being cool may be easier for men than women. From what I can remember, there weren’t many role models of coolness for girls.

The only ones I can even recall, while I was growing up, are Pinkie Tuscadero from Happy Days or Rizzo from Grease. Although, I don’t know if they were cool so much as they were, well, whores.

I can’t imagine why, but the general populace has a tendency to look down on women who don dark sunglasses, speak with a husky voice, and smoke a fine Cuban, all the while keeping their bitches in line.

Okay, so I don’t really smoke cigars but you get the gist.

Nowadays, people like Quentin Tarantino, whose movies use enough blood to give Keith Richards transfusions for another 100 years, has defined the word cool.

Problem is, even if you do look like George or Selma, nobody could live up to that notion without spending a few years in Pelican Bay, or at least, Tijuana.

I fear for the future of coolness. It's up to all those who understand to put forth an effort to enlighten this generation and ensure its very survival.

Until then, Elmore James will remain on my stereo, my sippy cup will never be empty, and the chickens will always be fed.

You dig?

Would You Like a Cup of Coffin?

2007-01-17T04:53:00.000-08:00

Headline: S.F. Company Launches 'Meth Coffee'

Yerba mate comes from South America and is used to make teas and coffees there. Sellers of yerba mate products claim it raises your energy level, so pairing it with already caffeinated coffee beans could provide quite the boost.

Those guys really know how to make one amphetamine cup of coffee, eh?

Sounds great, doesn't it? That is, if you want your smile to double as a Carlsbad Caverns brochure.

Not to mention, if you're the first customer of the day, you may very well be blown to bits if they haven't unhooked the trip wires yet.

And who needs that shit so early in the morning?!

Besides, I'm sure their shop locations aren't of great convenience either. How many times do you find yourself in a remote desert location craving that hot cup of joe?

Even if they had a store within the city limits, who would want to sit nextdoor to a noisy daycare center and be forced to look at all of those freakish, hairless kids?

Nope. As much as I enjoy the beverage, I think I'll stick to the regular brew.

Day Trips as Night Falls

2007-01-15T07:29:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend, a few of us decided to go on a little day trip. Located about two hours from here is the Myrtles Plantation . This house has been made famous by many cable programs involving America’s most haunted places.

We arrived at sunset. Just in time to see the bats begin their night flights and hear the crickets strike up their hypnotic tunes. The grounds were beautiful, covered with lush, winter grass and small statues here and there which lent the surroundings that quiet, graveyard feel.

On the back porch of the house there were black cats lying around as if used for live decoration. So far, it wasn’t hard to get in the mood for this experience. We were all anxious to see if anything would happen.

The tour began at 6 p.m. The crowd gathered in the foyer and within a few minutes of the tour guide’s speech, I noticed a mist-like smoke float through the air, right in front of my sister’s face.

My first thought was to blink and make sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me. Then I thought someone had the audacity to light a cigarette. But it wasn’t cigarette smoke, and it was still there. I kept my eye on it until it quickly rose and vanished into the crystal chandelier.

I kept my cool about what I just saw and looked around to see anyone else’s reaction. Nothing. My excitement grew, although I figured that would be my only experience for the night. I couldn’t wait to share that story.

We moved from room to room, and listened to the history of the violent deaths that occurred there: mainly, a slave girl that had been hanged, a wife and two children who were poisoned, and a confederate soldier who was shot.

As I stepped into the dining room, my heart suddenly felt heavy and I had a hard time getting a deep breath. As though I had reached a high altitude for the first time, or just landed at the New Orleans airport in June after having been in a non-humid area. Anyone who has experienced that knows what I mean.

As I stood next to the long, dining table and waited for the guide to begin, I had a chance to tell my sister what happened earlier and that now I had that heavy feeling. We both wondered if it was real because she didn’t see or feel anything at all.

Then a section of my head started to tingle. And my hair felt like it was rising, as though I took speed and my scalp was beginning to crawl. Attempting to dismiss this, I ran my fingers through my hair to see if it would go away, but it only got stronger.

I stood directly next to the table so I could get a look at myself in the large mirror that hung over the fire place at the opposite end of the room, in hopes to see something standing next to me.

I didn’t see any ghosts, but when I saw my own reflection it looked as though my hair was flared out on that side, like I had just brushed it and created static cling. I quickly turned to my sister and asked her if I had any static, but she said no and that I looked fine. When I looked back in the mirror my hair was normal.

What the hell?? Let it be known that I was not wearing a sweater, the temperatures were in the high 60s, and the floors were made of wood. There was no reason to have static at all. Hmm.

By the time we reached the last room, my chest still had that pressed feeling and my hands began to get hot, as well. Another note, I’m famous for having cold hands. I didn’t have them in my pockets and they were getting hotter and hotter by the minute, to the point of being clammy.

Nerves may have caused that reaction, or maybe not. All I can say is, as soon as I stepped out onto the back porch again after the tour was over, my body temperature and breathing were back to normal.

Judge for yourself, did I have a supernatural experience or not? Some might say you make yourself see things if you want to badly enough. But I believe if that were the case, there’d be a rise in my bank account as opposed to the volume of my hair.

To top the magical evening off, once we got back into the truck for the ride home, a rock station had Alice Cooper as a guest DJ. The song he chose to play as we headed down the driveway? "I Put a Spell on You," by Screamin' Jay Hawkins.

Go Saints!

2007-01-13T21:22:00.000-08:00

Going Down... in Flames?

2007-01-11T07:07:00.000-08:00

Headline: Woman sets herself on fire in Seattle hotel elevator

The woman, who hasn't been identified, suffered burns to 60 percent of her body and was taken to Harborview Medical Center. The woman had been a guest at the Marriott-Waterfront.

Since my curiosity has reached a whole new level, without ever having to press a button, allow me to raise this question.Was it an attempt of suicide or an accident?

Usually a suicide attempt is a cry for help. However, I would imagine her cries for help began shortly after the heat intensity in that elevator matched that of an over-cooked hot pocket in Satan's breakroom.

If she was trying to make a statement, I suppose a moving platform was just as good as any. Yes, muzak can be quite disturbing, but is it worth taking your own life? It would've been easier to have taken the stairs instead. Which led me to believe this was purely accidental.

Let's assume it was a flatulant moment gone wrong - very wrong. There she was standing in there all alone and figured nobody would know. But then the panic set in and she resorted to the classic removal of scents plan - aka: CRiSP.

We all know the trick is to strike a match to get rid of any unwanted scents. However, regardless of how bad it may be, you're not supposed to use a wind-resistant turbo lighter to get that job done - yowza! Unfortunately, she had to learn this the hard way.

There were no official comments made by hotel representatives, however, there are unconfirmed reports that say the hotel chain is currently considering changing their name to Marriot-Fireside.

Mind Ctrl

2007-01-08T08:02:00.000-08:00

Headline: Internet under attack by zombie computers

NEW YORK -- Computer code writers in Europe are the chief suspects in the creation of programs that turn other computers into zombie-like slaves for Internet crimes.

Holy motherboard! How will we fight against this? Bash them in the screen? Hit them in their space bar?

All I know is, we'd better figure it out quickly or else there'll be bits and pc's of you and me all over the place.

This Takes the Cake

2007-01-06T06:14:00.000-08:00

Headline: Woman Settles Suit in Flour Condoms Case

PHILADELPHIA (AP) -- A woman who was arrested and jailed for three weeks on drug charges for what turned out to be flour-filled condoms has settled a lawsuit against the city for $180,000.

Once the lawyers sifted through the details they figured out she was using them as a stress reliever. Heh.

I wonder, you think she used self-rising flour?

This Could Rune Your Night

2007-01-04T13:46:00.000-08:00

Headline: Alleged African witches still outcast to camps

Ghana - Mariama Alidu was cast out as a witch from her village by her own family, yet she swears she has never cast a spell.

The mere suspicion of witchcraft was enough to see her and 80 other suspected witches expelled to a scruffy camp of mud huts on the fringes of the town.

It's a good thing I don't live there or I would've been tossed into one of those mud huts a long time ago and left to rot.

So many things I have tried in my lifetime: ouiji boards, seances, tarot cards, but to no avail. I guess I'm just not one of those people who gets to know what's going to happen ahead of time.

Once I bought a set of runes, and boy, was that a mistake. Carefully, I laid that stuff out onto my living room floor, read the instructions, and started to do whatever it was I was trying to do at the time.

I was alone and could be as intense about it as I needed to be to make it work correctly. With every wave of my hand over those stones, my palms got warmer and warmer - practically hot - that meant it had to be working, right?!

Nah. Not quite.

Oh yeah, I was getting hot alright - somewhere in the neighborhood of 103. And, by morning, my entire body was covered in hives.

It was horrifying. I had them from head-to-toe, literally. When I noticed I no longer possessed arches on the bottoms of my feet, I knew it was time to go see a doctor.

There was nothing else to blame this reaction on. I hadn't used anything new or different, other than the newly purchased divination device. Which, unfortunately, didn't let me know that was going to happen.

You'd better believe, that crap was tossed into the dumpster faster than you could say abracadabra. Of course, it was nothing a shot of cortisone didn't cure and everything turned out fine.

But being banished to the mud huts might have worked just as well. I hear mud has some unique healing properties.

It's About Time

2006-12-30T05:02:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm definitely ready to ring in the new year.

Here's hoping 2007 won't be quite as alarming as '06. (clink)

Happy New Year!

Ho-Ho-Holy Shit!

2006-12-27T05:06:00.000-08:00

Headline: Santa dies in front of kids

CHILDREN watched in horror as a Santa Claus collapsed and died as he handed out presents at a Christmas party. Andrew Robertson, 82, took ill as excited youngsters were being given their gifts.

Am I sick and wrong for thinking this is funny?

And I thought some of my Christmas memories were bad. This definitely beats out any sob story I could ever tell.

This Is What I Wished For...

2006-12-23T05:43:00.000-08:00

Hope Santa fills your hearts, stockings, and most of all, glasses with lots of Christmas cheer this year!

Oh, and don't forget to toast your big brother George: the richest man in town!

Hope you all have a very wonderful Christmas.

What a Couple of Flakes

2006-12-21T06:19:00.000-08:00

Headline: Cops Put 2 on Ice After Frosty Stabbing

Two Christmas grinches were arrested Monday, accused of stabbing a 12-foot-tall inflatable Frosty the snowman with a screwdriver. The Hamilton County Sheriff's office said two 18-year-olds were charged with criminal damaging, and the investigation continues to snowball.

A screwdriver? That's just plain cold-hearted. I would've used an ice pick. The brutality of this story is simply numbing. Has anyone ever heard ice scream? Sends chills up your spine, to be sure.

What a tough job for paramedics. Although the stab wounds couldv'e remained stable considering he was already packed in ice. But it would've been hard to tell if he was near death or not since he's always so cold.

How would you save a snowman? If you gave him mouth-to-mouth you'd get stuck, like that kid in a Christmas Story. If you hooked him up to an IV, you'd melt his arm off. I seriously doubt there were any magical, straw hats in the first-responder bag.

No win situation. Best thing to do would be just to chill, continue to give him liquid oxygen, and wait and see what happens.

Those vandals reminded me of a time, long ago, when my friend and I tried to take out Ronald McDonald with a BB gun. Not the live person, of course, but an inflatable one used for a grand opening at one of their restaurants.

Once we realized mere BBs would not penetrate that tough exterior, the only thing that deflated were our high hopes. He just continued to smile down at us with those big, red clown-lips.

After the failed drive-by attempt, we opted for the drive-thru instead, which turned out to be a lot more successful than the first idea. Best damned hot-fudge sundae I ever had.

Milk it For All It's Worth

2006-12-18T14:04:00.000-08:00

Naturally, at the end of the year, some folks start to toss ideas around about what their New Year's resolutions will be.

Dieting usually ranks right up there, along with quitting smoking, or the promise to exercise more.

Lately, I've been seeing ads and hearing conversations relating to the benefits of adding milk to your daily intake. 24 ounces in 24 hours and supposedly you'll be on your way to a slimmer you.

There is no solid proof at this point that it actually works, however, I am considering giving it a shot, or two, just to see what happens.

How hard could it be? Seems like it should be a piece of cake, except without the cake, of course. But to make things a little more interesting, and boost the motivation factor, I suggest we change things up a bit.

If you'd add shots of Vodka, Kahlua, and Irish Cream to the mix, oh, and let's not forget - lots and lots of ice; hydration is essential to a healthier bod, then it will make your diet easier to stick with and may even change your attitude in the process.

Who could argue with that?

I'm not sure if any noticeable weight will be lost, unless you consider forgetting where your parked your car, or picking up your child from the day care, as actually losing weight. But what I am sure of is that by the 3rd one, it probably won't matter that much anyway.

All I know is that this is a resolution I might be able to keep, at least until the expiration date.

Wiitarded

2006-12-15T06:47:00.000-08:00

Headline: Nintendo Recalling 3.2 Million Wii Remote Wrist Straps

TOKYO — Nintendo said Friday it will replace 3.2 million straps for its popular Wii computer game controllers after receiving a rash of reports that the devices flew out of the hands of overzealous players.

How many reports does it take to decide on a recall? I wouldn't waste my money on that if I were Nintendo, unless there were at least 10 deaths caused by this flying, projectile-like controller. Soon, they'll be required to replace broken TV sets as well.

Some people just need to exercise a little self control. I'll bet alcohol was involved, if not in the incidents, then surely in the development of this device.

Why else would they have named it, Wii, other than describing what most of the scientists gleefully screamed as it soared across the lab for the first time?

I did find out through various sources - sources meaning my own imagination - that the original name for this contraption was the awwwshitttt, but they figured that would probably have a negative affect on sales. At least, there would have been more truth in advertising.

Somewhere in the back of their heads, though, they must've known how prophetic that name would be, as in, "wii are in a lot of trouble." But I guess memory loss is a common symptom of a massive head injury.

Optical Delusion

2006-12-13T05:45:00.000-08:00

Headline: Lawmaker aims to allow the blind to hunt

AUSTIN, Texas (Reuters) - A Texas lawmaker is aiming to allow the blind to hunt. Texas State Representative Edmund Kuempel has introduced a measure that would allow blind people to hunt game that sighted people can currently pursue.

Well, I just can't see anything good coming from this and I have 20/20 vision.

Besides, and bear in mind this is just a shot in the dark here, wouldn't you think the jingling noises alone from the can of change would scare away the animals anyhow?

Edmund should really take another look at the situation before the barrage of hunting accidents occur - unless that is what he's shooting for - because one thing is certain: there will be no eyewitnesses.

The Ghost of Christmas Past

2006-12-11T06:53:00.000-08:00

It’s that special time of year again; soon, presents of all shapes and sizes will magically appear under the tree. The moment when a child’s high hopes of their requests to Santa will be granted as a reward for their year’s worth of being well behaved.

Well, I’m here to tell you, that’s a load of reindeer shit or, at least, it was in my case. One of my earliest lessons of dealing with disappointment happened one Christmas Eve long ago.

I clearly recall having asked for an ice cream maker. But what did I get instead? A bicycle. Now, some of you may be wondering what's so bad about that? Well, what in the hell was I going to do with a bike when I didn’t even know how to ride one?

Sadly, for the first few days, I propped the bike upside down and I peddled with my hands in a vain effort to make ice cream.

Obviously, that didn't work out like I'd hoped. So, eventually - after many bruises - I learned how to ride that damned thing and gave up on the idea of homemade bliss.

Okay, so maybe that wasn't so bad in retrospect. But just allow me to explain something to you for a second. It wasn’t so much getting something I didn’t ask for; it was mostly getting some cheap knock off of the thing I asked for in the first place.

One year, I desperately wanted a Simon electronic game or, in the very least, a Merlin. Don’t even ask me what I unwrapped instead. The memory of it was so traumatic that I cannot even recall the name. Instead, I lovingly refer to it as the toy that was NOT a Simon.

So, to all of you who call yourself parents out there, a word to the wise: never get anything that you think is the same thing because it’s cheaper and they’ll never know the difference. They know, believe me, they know.

It would be better for tinsel to fly out of your ass for all eternity than to get the knock-off present.

And another thing, if you have more than one child, please do not address one game/toy to the entire family and leave it at that.

Again, it would be better to shit broken ornaments for 12 days straight than to do something so thoughtless as that.

Now, bring that stupid piece of crap back to the store and get what they asked for while there’s still time!

Go ahead - dash away all - the psychological welfare of your child depends on it.

Oh, Christmas Trivia

2006-12-10T04:02:00.000-08:00

Reindeer is actually redundant. The root rein is Scandinavian for 'reindeer', so reindeer translates to 'reindeer deer'. Translated to English from Old Norse hreindyri. Thank God, because I would never sing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Hreindyri. Why, that just sounds silly.

Mistletoe is thought to be based on a German word for bird excrement (mix) from the fact that the plant is propagated in it. Which could explain the bad taste in your throat the morning after too much fun at the Christmas party. Ugh.

Christmas carol is a term which originally referred to a non-religious ring dance accompanied by singing. Eventually it came to mean a merry song with a tune that could be danced to. American Bandstand immediately comes to mind, I give it a 7. Oh, and where's my Eskimo pies?

St. Nicholas was not only wealthy but modest. Poor families would often find a gold piece or well-filled purse without knowing where it had come from. His American successor, Santa Claus, carried on the tradition. I beg to differ, my purse is usually emptied during this season.

Wassail comes from the Middle English waes haeil (c. 1205), which means 'be in good health' or 'be fortunate'. Wassail is also the name of the spiced apple beverage used in such toasting or wassailing; it has been drunk since around 1300. So has my father, but that's another tradition we don't like to talk about. As far as wassail goes, I plan to incorporate that word into my vocabulary. And I plan to say it like the Budweiser commercial guys would: wazzzaaail.

So, there you have it. You can either take my word for it or look it up here if you'd care to read more.

Until next time...Wassail!

Shop, Drop, and Roll

2006-12-08T08:42:00.000-08:00

Headline: Holiday Shoppers Keep Buying During Fire

An electrical fire that filled a department store with thick smoke didn't deter holiday shoppers, and firefighters had to block the doors to keep customers from coming in, authorities said.

Okay, I get the whole chestnuts-roasting-on-an-open-fire thing, but this is taking it just a little too far. Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you supposed to turn away from the flames?

I understand some people live to shop, but I am not one of those people, especially when the actual building is hotter than the deals. Who, other than shoplifters, would go in there?

To me, a fire is the perfect excuse to stay home instead of fighting the masses or at least a good enough excuse for not being able to find that perfect gift.

You can always claim to have wanted to get that thousand dollar coat for your sister, but couldn’t due to the fire – damn. It’s the thought that counts, though, right?

Although, I guess it would be a good chance to buy that smoking jacket you’ve always wanted or that red-hot blazer.

The thing that bothers me the most is the trouble the firefighters had to deal with. I’ll bet people like that really burn their ass, as if battling an inferno isn’t enough!?

Hmm… (light bulb). It would definitely lend credence to the whole sliding-down-the-chimney tale if the toys and clothes are covered in ashes and soot on Christmas morning. Maybe those shoppers weren’t so crazy after all, now that I think of it.

Even so, I wonder what the surveillance tapes would reveal, if anything, about the incident. Call me cynical, but I’d bet there’d be a lot more than just Santa walking around with a bundle of toys flung on their back.

And This is News?

2006-12-07T06:10:00.000-08:00

Headline: Man Accused of Faking Retardation

The indictment accuses Costello of faking — or at least exaggerating — retardation since August 1997.

The charges include conspiracy to defraud the government and Social Security fraud.

Regardless of the reasons, it does not change the fact that men have been acting retarded since the beginning of time. How is this news?

Just show them a picture along these lines and see what happens.

And if that doesn't make them beat their chest and drool, then more than likely, this one will...especially after a few too many.

Men...bless their retarded, little hearts.

(present male readers excluded, of course)

What the Buck?!

2006-11-29T08:13:00.000-08:00

Headline: Man shoots doe with well-developed rack

When Carmen Erickson dropped a deer with a single shot in a cattail slough south of here, he thought he'd downed a nice buck. Unlike his shot, he was a little off. The deer was a doe.

Well, certainly I've heard of Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, but never in my life have I heard the story of Tranny, the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

I wonder if Pixar would be interested in telling the heart-warming tail of the poor dear who didn't have enough bucks to pay for a full sex change operation?

Although, I'm not sure how much doe it would pull in at the theaters, considering those kind of reindeer games might be too far out for the mainstream.

Besides, I'm sure Santa would've made her hoof it to the Island of Misfit Toys more quickly than you can say Abominable.

And that Charlie in the Box thought he had it bad. Heh.

Balloon Wranglers

2006-11-24T04:33:00.000-08:00

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade began in the early 1920s. Some say it was created as a distraction for husbands and children across America so that housewives were able to cook in peace, without anyone sneaking bites of food in the process.

Others claim it was to lure customers to the downtown area stores for the big Christmas shopping day.

I have another idea for the origin.

Picture it. After that first colossal Thanksgiving meal, the father of the house pushed his button-popped belly away from the dinner table and slowly maneuvered toward the patio for a breath of air.

Once he stepped out onto the balcony of his NYC home, he lit up a cigarette. Soon after that first, satisfying drag, it wasn’t just blue curls that floated up into the air, but the father, also!

Bloated from too many helpings of delicious turkey and stuffing, he wafted up into the sky with more grace than the the scent of pumpkin pie.

The rest of the family scrambled to throw him a line in an effort to tether him back to Earth before he was lost forever; thus, the Thanksgiving Day parade was born.

Okay, maybe I’m stretching the truth a bit here, but it’s better than stretching your waistband.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday.

Oh, and by the way, if there’s a strange object detected hovering over the New Orleans Superdome, have no fear - that would be me.

Smokin' Section

2006-11-22T05:30:00.000-08:00

Headline: Pair Accused of 'Overt' Plane Activity

A California couple are facing federal charges after they refused to stop "overt sexual activity" during a flight to Raleigh, authorities said.

All I can say is, those guys must be midgets. How did they have enough room for all of that activity?

I can barely scoot in and sit down without hitting my head on the overhead compartment or goosing myself with the arm rest, not to mention, all the twisting and turning I do as I try to find the seatbelt.

They actually had the audacity to start their venture even before take off. I realize there's no overhead light indicator which alerts you to the appropriate time for such things, but -hello- I would imagine one of the prerequisites for joining the Mile High Club would include actually being a mile high first - am I right?

I mean, nobody gives a shit about the Taxiway Club! That's like bragging about being a member of Columbia House.

Can you imagine being the lucky bastard who was seated next to them? I don't know about you, but I can't stand to hear someone slurp their coffee, much less anything else. Ugh!

They could've at least tried that out in the bathroom instead of in front of everyone else. I'll bet the others couldn't wait to land, although, I'm sure that guy at least followed partial rules by being in the upright and locked position beforehand.

What I wonder the most though is if Raleigh/Durham airport has enough nerve to be a non-smoking facility?

Either way, I'm sure someone will make a movie out of this. I wonder if Samuel L. Jackson would be interested in a sequel to his Snakes on a Plane?

That would be really cool, especially if you're a part of that elite bunch that gets 5 DVDs a year for only 49 cents.

Rock of Ages

2006-11-20T11:59:00.000-08:00

Last Friday night a few of us went to see Journey/Def Leppard at the New Orleans Arena.

I grew up listening to both but I'd never had the chance to see either one in concert. Not having Steve Perry lead Journey had me a little worried that it wouldn't be as good, but lemme tell ya, Jeff Scott Soto did a terrific job.

They blew the roof off of that place! It was unbelievable.

I've been to concerts where the crowd sings along for the beginning of songs or sings the chorus or whatever but with this one, I could actually hear the crowd singing more loudly than the band for at least 4 songs in a row.

Jeff could've easily just sat down and held the microphone out because we pretty much drowned him out anyway. It was GREAT.

Def Leppard sounded good, too, but seemed to play too many songs from Hysteria for my liking, or slower ones. Although when they did do older ones, only a handful of people even knew what they were playing.

Like I said, they were good, but it just seemed like something was off a little or maybe it was just because they had a tough act to follow.

I couldn't possibly recount all of the songs either of them did and I certainly can't give a technical review of their performance, but one cool thing both of them did was that they displayed old photos of themselves on the big screens in the background during a couple of their songs - a sort of flashback, if you will.

That sentiment was exactly what was going on in my own head when those tunes stirred up the old memories.

Once again, I was an obsessive 13 year old practically electricuting herself with an 8-track player that had faulty wiring, repeatedly listening to Wheels in the Sky or Lights.

When they played Anyway You Want It, Rodney Dangerfield flashed across my mind immediately, as he irritated the hell out of Ted Knight with his stereo-equipped golf bag.

No school field trips from 9th through 11th grades were complete without Journey blaring out of portable boomboxes. Not to mention, the old flames that went from Stone in Love to Separate Ways more quickly than you could say, "cheese."

When Def Leppard played Photograph and Foolin', again, I was that 16 year old staying up way too late to watch Night Trax in hopes of seeing the video one more time. I was that wide-eyed rocker, Catholic-school-chick who couldn't wait to peel the cellophane off of the Pyromania album once I got it home.

So many things crossed my mind that night it was hard to keep track of it all. Needless to say, I really enjoyed the show. I'm also happy to say, even in their old age, both are still very talented groups.

After all of this time, I'm glad I finally got the chance to see them live. Because, I would imagine, seeing them dead would've been a real bummer.

Back to Reality

2006-11-19T05:13:00.000-08:00

Here are a few reasons why I'm having a hard time getting back to reality.

Beautiful shades of blue that I've never seen before.

Gorgeous views... (wink-wink)

Waves crashing along the rocks which were more soothing than a mother's lullabye.

These babies right here were just too tasty for common sense. At one point, I think I collected enough umbrellas to shelter the entire Gulf Coast region.

And the sunsets? Well, I'm sure most would argue that sunsets are gorgeous just about anywhere. But this one in particular had value to me because it was my first one viewed from the top of a little cruise ship.

It was my first time on the ocean. Luckily, there were no sudden storms or anything like that because I'm not sure if I could've figured out how to make a iPod out of coconuts.

Anyway, everything was wonderful. In fact, the only bad thing about Hawaii was having to leave it behind.

But as we crossed the black Pacific, a shooting star met my gaze from my window seat. I took that as my own personal Aloha from the gods. Well, it was either that or a piece of the aircraft broke off - regardless, we made it back safe and sound.

"Book 'em, Dano!"

2006-11-07T13:17:00.000-08:00

Vacation time - be back next week.

Mama Mia!

2006-11-06T05:17:00.000-08:00

Headline: Officer Claims Wife Put Pot in Meatballs

NEW YORK (AP)— A detective suspended after testing positive for drugs says his wife served him meatballs spiked with marijuana because she wanted to keep him out of harm's way by forcing him into retirement.

That guy must be a horrible detective. You would think he would've figured that one out easily.

The biggest clue would've been after having a mountain of spaghetti, for dessert, he had 2 cold pizzas and a large bag of puffy Cheetos - while watching endless amounts of Animal Planet.

I hope his story sticks. I wonder if he threw it against the wall first?

My Cup Runneth Over

2006-11-03T04:32:00.000-08:00

My husband and I headed out early this morning to get to the airport for his flight to drill weekend in California.

Considering it is a brisk 49°, with a chilling north wind, I decided to wear my Air Force jacket for the little trip across the river.

After I dropped him off, I decided to drive through Starbucks on the way home. There is nothing like a good cup of coffee in this kind of weather.

So, I pulled up to order and an enthusiastic voice boomed over the box to greet me. “Good morning, welcome to Starbucks. This is Captain America, what can I get started for you today?”

Even though I was a little taken off guard, I went with it and replied accordingly. Once I drove up he noticed my jacket and asked if I were in the Air Force. I told him I had just recently gotten out, but my husband was still in.

As it turned out, he is also a member of the Air Force and we chitchatted about our jobs, etc., while the coffee was being made.

Then he handed me my cup and I handed him a twenty, but he waved it off and said, “don’t worry about it, we have to look out for each other.”
--
Now, that’s what I’m talking about. If only everyone thought that way...but then again, not everyone is Captain America - unfortunately.

Put a Cork in Your Trap

2006-11-02T08:11:00.000-08:00

Headline: Red wine can keep fat mice fit

The big question is, can it work the same magic in humans? Scientists say it's far too early to start swilling barrels of red wine. But some are calling the latest research promising and even "spectacular."

What's so spectacular? It wasn't enough to simply provide cheese, now you must also select the proper wine to go with it?

Before you know it they'll demand opera tickets, too! Damned rats.

And they say it's too early to start swilling? Heh. If this keeps up, we'll all be flat baroque.

Happy Halloween

2006-10-31T04:19:00.000-08:00

Take a Stab At It

2006-10-27T05:22:00.000-07:00

I've listed some random quotes from horror movies with hopes that someone could name the titles.

Try. It won't kill you.

1) I hardly think a few birds are going to bring about the end of the world.

2) Stay on the road. Keep clear of the moors.

3) We'd better get back, 'cause it'll be dark soon, and they mostly come at night... mostly.

4) I shot him six times!

5) Vee had better confeerm de fect dat Yunk Frankenshtein iss indeed VALLOWING EEN EES GANDFADDA'S VOOTSHTAPS.

6) I thought you were good Paul... but you're not good. You're just another lying ol' dirty birdy.

7) It lies to her. It tells her things only a child can understand. It's been using her to restrain the others. To her, it simply is another child. To us, it is The Beast.

8) Darling. Light, of my life. I'm not gonna hurt ya. You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said, I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just gonna bash your brains in.

9) I have crossed oceans of time to find you.

10) It was bad, Mama. They laughed at me.

11) Do you have to dig up graves to find girls to fall in love with?

12) Would anyone like...a peanut?

Fresh Blood

2006-10-26T12:28:00.000-07:00

Headline: Vampyre club seeks new recruits

LONDON (Reuters) - Vampyres are prowling for new recruits in London as Halloween approaches to partake in wild parties, trips to Transylvania and bat spotting nights -- but coffin-dwelling, blood drinkers need not apply.

Damn. Just when I thought I found more of my kind. Things certainly have changed since the old days.

"Vampires pretending to be humans, pretending to be vampires." ~Louis

Poultrygeist

2006-10-20T09:33:00.000-07:00

Whenever I was little it seemed the world around me was more magical than it is now. It may be because I no longer go exploring through the woods, tell ghost stories by a campfire, or hold séances anymore.

In fact, the only time I chant Bloody Mary three times is when I can’t get the attention of the bartender right away. However, if done properly, that can lead to a spiritual episode in itself.

Rural living didn't provide a whole lot to do when we weren’t in school. So, one day two brothers, a sister, and I managed to gain access to my older sister’s bedroom in order to get the Ouija Board out of her closet.

I guess idle hands are the devil’s workshop after all.

We tiptoed out of the backdoor and headed to the chicken yard. There was a rather large, wooden chicken coop, which seemed to be the perfect place for our conjuring experience.

What better place for chickens to congregate, right? Although, the feathered ones had enough sense to go outside.

Carefully, we laid out the board on the hard, dirt floor. It was dark in there, but not completely because it was daytime (hey, we weren’t crazy), and some rays of sunlight beamed through the splits in the wood and a few holes in the tin roof to give off just enough light.

We sat cross-legged and composed ourselves before the rituals began. That is, if composure meant stifled giggles and overly done, wide-eyed looks of anticipation. More than likely, we appeared to be the ones laying the eggs as opposed to the hens.

Fingertips touched the edge of the guide ever so slightly. God knows you wouldn't want to move it around on your own! Heh.

In deep, exaggerated tones I called upon the spirits to answer my most vital questions: does Richard like me? what was my birthday present going to be? You know, the important stuff!

Within minutes we heard strange, creaking noises. We all looked around and then at each other with nervousness and a little fear. The sound came from above, from the hen’s nest.

All heads turned in that direction when suddenly something dove from the hay and landed right smack-dab in the middle of the board, scurrying madly and scratching its nails in every direction.

It was a RAT!

We all flew to our feet, screaming and cackling more than our feathered friends. That thing ran right across my toes and that was all I could stand.

The next thing I knew it was assholes and elbows, as we bolted out of that chicken house like our heads had just been cut off. All of us ran and screamed toward the four corners of the Earth - or at least, the four the corners of our backyard.

After it was all over we laughed and laughed and swore never to tell anyone what happened. In retrospect, those times were fun but that doesn't necessarily mean that I can't have as much fun now.

You see these days, I can do all of that plus have Bloody Marys at the same time! But just to be on the safe side, I'll ask the spirits what they think about that idea - I'm sure they'll say Yes.

Shameless Plug

2006-10-18T05:52:00.000-07:00

Headline: 2006 Ig Nobels Reward Research in Hiccups, Poop, and Bad Writing

After various other attempts, Fesmire resorted to sticking his finger where the sun don't shine. Applying a slow circular motion stopped the hiccups within seconds.

Now, wait a minute here. I’ve heard of many home remedies for curing hiccups, but never in my life have I heard of, nor have I tried, this one.

Although, if you think about it for a second, it does combine 2 of the more popular methods: taking a deep breath and being surprised.

Be that as it may, does he presume you’ll actually use this method the next time you have a bad case of the hiccups?

Say you’re at a business luncheon and the ailment hits you. What do you do? Excuse yourself while you plug one right up there or do you ask the person sitting next to you for a little assistance? Something tells me your boss won’t be impressed by your newfound cure.

What if you go to happy hour with your work buddies and one of them starts up at the bar, are you just supposed to tell him to drop his pants, and more importantly, does that mean the next round is on him? Talk about your happy hour!

Say there’s an elderly person who suddenly gets hit with the gut-wrenching spasms. If you opt to help that person out, I seriously doubt you’ll be getting any citations for heroism from the local fire department.

What has my curiosity is how this fellow came to this conclusion in the first place? Who would think of that? I realize testing is necessary to come up with reasonable solutions to problems, but again, who would think of that?

I can only hope this technique doesn’t become as popular as the Heimlich maneuver and I certainly hope there won’t be any classes given at the YMCA - but I won’t hold my breath.

A Scratching Post

2006-10-16T05:21:00.000-07:00

Headline: Principal May Be Charged in Cat Killings

INDUS, Minn. (AP) - A school principal has resigned and could face felony firearm charges after he shot and killed two orphaned kittens on school property last month.

What happened to the principal being your pal? Heh.

How could anyone shoot poor little kittens? That's so barbaric! I mean, why couldn't he just drown them or hit them with his car like everyone else does?

I'm sure he thought it was the purrfect crime but I'm glad he didn't get away with it.

I wonder if they'll give him a ticket for kitty-littering as well? Wouldn't that be meowvelous?

Trip or Treat

2006-10-12T10:51:00.000-07:00

(Disclaimer: I wrote this Halloween story last year, but decided to republish it for the sake of those who may not have read it yet...)
=========

Store-bought Halloween costumes? Unheard of in my family. All were homemade - we were taught to use our imaginations at our house. Usually, we had to use our imagination for pretty much anything costing over 5 bucks.

I think I was about 8 years old at the time. My makeshift costume was a princess, of sorts, made from an older sister's purple confirmation gown. Also, I had a wand, or should I say I had a stick which had a glued-on cardboard star, covered in aluminum foil and glitter.

Naturally, the dress was way too big for me. Each step produced audible rips and tears as though I were a walking whoopy cushion. But I didn't mind so much as long as the candy made its way into my bag.

As my mother drove us around from house to house, we'd run back and forth to hit as many neighbors as we could before the time ran out. I was so proud of the collection of candy I had so far.

At one of the stops, I raced against my brother toward a lit, front porch, however, I didn't quite make it. The bottom of the dress wrapped around my foot and I performed a dive into the ditch that would've put Greg Louganis to shame: 9-0!

The taffeta tumbleweed - which was me - finally came to a rest. As I slowly looked around, through a veil of purple lace, at the sea of candy strewn all over the yard all I could wonder was if I'd just been been hit by a tornado. Motionless, I lay there on the cool grass and stared up at the stars in shock and disbelief.

At least I thought it was stars, it could've very well been my own wand floating gently back to earth. Who knows, it may have been Glynda telling me there's no place like home.

Finally, I snapped out of it. Bag in hand, I scooped up my treats as well as I could. I hiked up my dress, got back into the car, and called it a night.

Lots of chocolate, or a slight concussion, helped me to forget all about that damned purple dress for the rest of the night, but it certainly didn't get rid of my purple knees.

Death Begets Life

2006-10-12T09:09:00.000-07:00

Headline: Death-row prisoner gets pregnant in solitary

HANOI (Reuters) - A death-row inmate held in solitary confinement in Vietnam for almost a year is pregnant and is seeking a pardon to give birth, a newspaper reported on Thursday.

Well, looks like somebody's got some 'splainin' to do...

Get. Out.

2006-10-06T05:47:00.000-07:00

When the book, “The Amityville Horror,” came out, my sister, brother-in-law, and I all read it together.

I spent a lot of time with them in the summer of 1978. Every evening we'd set aside time to sit together and took turns reading chapters aloud.

Don’t ask me what possessed us to do such a thing but it was cool. Especially when you read with feeling and made up accents, etc.

Anyway, months later, we saw a movie trailer and were totally thrilled because we’d all read the book and couldn’t wait to see what they’d do with it on the big screen.

The night finally came and while we waited in the long line at the movie theater box office, my brother-in-law mentioned that no matter what they did, it wouldn’t be as good as the book.

My sister and I assumed he meant that books were rarely transferred accurately onto the screen, but we asked him why he thought so anyway.

His answer? Because you wouldn’t be able to smell it.

My sister and I looked at each other with wide-eyed confusion and then we looked back at him and asked sarcastically, “well, um, like you could you smell the book???!?”

And then came the laughter, followed by more laughter, and then followed by a red-faced, embarrassed man telling two girls to kiss his ass.

We gave him crap about that for years and every now and then we rub it in again and still laugh just as hard as we did then.

And he’s still as embarrassed as the day he said it and knows he will never live it down. And then, once more, he tells us to kiss his ass.

If the director would've had half of that kind of an imagination, the movie would've been great!

But as it turned out, he was right afterall - the book was better. And even though you couldn't smell the movie, it certainly did stink.

Let's Put the Fun back in Funeral

2006-10-05T04:36:00.000-07:00

Headline: And the most requested funeral song is...

"Everyone has a favorite song that means something very special to them, often connected to a particular time and place. When the song is played this can be a very emotive reminder of that person," he said in a statement.

Their top 10 requested songs, mostly reflected ages of the deceased, were:

1 - "Goodbye My Lover" - James Blunt
2 - "Angels" - Robbie Williams
3 - "I've Had The Time Of My Life" - Jennifer Warnes and Bill Medley.
4 - "Wind Beneath My Wings" - Bette Midler
5 - "Pie Jesu" - Requiem
6 - "Candle In The Wind" - Elton John
7 - "With Or Without You" - U2
8 - "Tears In Heaven" - Eric Clapton
9 - "Every Breath You Take - The Police
10 -"Unchained Melody" - Righteous Brothers

Morbidly enough, I've considered this very topic on several occasions. Whether in conversation with my siblings or friends or just wondering to myself what song would express my lifeforce the most at my own funeral.

Most people associate me with Van Halen, but let's face it, Running With the Devil might not be the most appropriate song in the world to pick for that scenario - at least, I'd hope not!

Other songs which could be considered bad choices maybe are Cuts Like a Knife or Stranglehold, especially if they died due to domestic violence. Let's say you died in a freak parachute accident, should your family play Free Fallin' at your wake? If your 3 best friends O.D.'d, should you crank out People Who Died? I'm not sure about the proper etiquette for this new trend.

However appropriate the following songs may seem, I would think it through before choosing them as your farewell songs: American Pie, In-a-Gadda-da-Vida, and Freebird. Those would present a very, very wrong situation unless there was plenty of embalming fluid handy. Way too long for comfort there! (pinches nose)

I haven't made up my mind yet what song would be perfect for me, but I do know this much, if someone selects anything by Michael Bolton you can bet I will rise up out of that casket and turn that crap off more quickly than you can say Living Dead Girl.

Hey, now there's a song!

Give Me a Head With Hair

2006-10-04T07:06:00.000-07:00

What purpose does hair really serve? It’s not as though it keeps bacteria off of your skull or prevents sunburn or even provides that much warmth in the winter. In fact, through most of my life hair has served mainly one purpose: public embarrassment.

Elementary school laid the foundation for my realization that I had the wrong kind of hair. Everyone else had long, straight Marsha hair and I looked as though I stepped off of the set of Capt. Caveman. Leaving me associated with a different kind of cool club, the kind with a little bird inside holding a flame like a flashlight.

Humidity didn’t help the situation at all. In an air-controlled environment my hair looked great, but one foot out of the door and suddenly I could hear the tick-tick-tick-tick-BOOM as the Afro-Sheen started to work its magic.

The bus ride to school in that kind of weather just compounded the problem. Kids seated in front of me would lower their windows, which would allow that southern moisture to blow my hair into a frizzy frenzy, so that by the time I arrived I had waves large enough to warrant a small craft advisory.

Surf’s up!

No matter what the trend was at the time, my hair didn’t cooperate. If tight, styled curls were fashionable, mine was long and wavy. If straight, silky Oh-Mighty-Isis hair was the choice of the day, mine was, um, long and wavy.

And not the long, wavy Charlie’s Angels hair, mine was more like Medusa. And to think all of that misery was due to humidity. Gels or hairspray didn’t work out well. All that seemed to do was just hold the wrongness of it all in place for the rest of the day, kind of like Medusa looking at herself in the mirror.

Even though I am living in the south again, thankfully, I don’t have those problems anymore, mostly because two things have been revealed to me: (1) a flat iron, and (2) I’m big enough to kick that kid’s ass now.

But I’ll refrain from the second, unless he leans over the seat and stares at me for too long - then it’s on! Remember, I still have that club.

I'm Just Teasin'

2006-10-03T07:30:00.000-07:00

Let this be a lesson: just say no to home perm kits!

If you look closely enough, I think you can even see Ronnie Spector in there somewhere.

I don't think anyone will be Phil's baby after seeing this picture. What the hell was he thinking?

I think he should change the spelling of his name to Specter instead- because this is pretty frightening to me.

Wha-oh-oh-oh.

Aw, Shucks!

2006-10-02T12:31:00.000-07:00

Headline: Irishman wins world oyster opening championship

It was the first win for Ireland in 10 years but the country's 15th overall in the four-decade history of the competition, which has long been a major feature of the Galway Oyster Festival, now in its 52nd year.

Something tells me when you combine hundreds of oysters, lots of drinking, and a hotel, the only sensible idea for the next festival on the calendar would be to celebrate the bumper crop of babies.

I'll take a stab at it and guess the most popular baby names next year will be Shelley, Pearl, Rocky, or Barney.

And have no doubt, they'll have every comfort known to man at their disposal, afterall, the world will be their oyster.

No Rest for the Wicked

2006-09-27T21:03:00.000-07:00

January 13, 1989
Ozzy Osbourne/Anthrax
McNichols Arena – Denver, Colorado

A souped-up 1967 metallic blue Chevy Chevelle with broad white stripes up the hood was our means and 5 concert tickets were our ways to a night that I’ll never forget.

Two guys sat in front and two in back, oh, and let’s not forget about me - I was between the two in the back, of course. Even though it was January, which meant there was snow on the ground, we still flew down the highway with the windows down and the stereo up on our way to spend an evening with Ozzy.

The wind whipped through and blew my hair all over, popping not only me in the eyes, but also anyone near me. Yeah, some of it burned on the tips of cigarettes, but I didn’t care; because I knew my head would be shaking in all directions before the night was over and nobody would notice a thing.

It was a perfectly cold and crisp night. Perfect because I was able to wear my new black, leather make-me-think-I'm-a-bad-ass trench coat, not to just any concert, but one that I've waited to go to all of my life. I was about to see in person the singer from Black Sabbath: John Osbourne, or more commonly, Ozzy.

I’d listened to Black Sabbath since I was little, courtesy of my oldest brother who used to play their albums repeatedly. I could play the melody, by ear, of Iron Man on a cheap little organ at the age of 4 or 5.

Unfortunately, here I sit without fame, fortune, or anything to show for it but on that night in the cool, mountain air, none of that mattered. I was 22 and ready to rock with a legend.

McNichols Arena was a closed-in facility situated right next to the Mile High Stadium, enclosed by a chain link fence. We had to park far away from the entrance and were too lazy to walk all the way around to the front, so we opted for the quickest way from point A to point B: climb the fence.

I remember thinking how cool I must’ve looked because once I climbed to the top and let go for the leap off onto the other side, my coat flew behind me dramatically as though I were a vampire swooping down for the kill.

Naturally, my coolness level soon dropped more quickly than the temperature as soon as I hit ground and slid down the slope as though I were Clark Griswald in a Christmas Vacation.

Of course, they all laughed at me but then lent me a hand and chalked it up to too much Wild Turkey. Even though we were all in the Air Force at the time, nothing could change the fact that I was still the rock-n-roll rebel.

We managed to make it inside and found our designated seats, which at that point were a lot warmer than my own, let me tell you. Damned snow! The lights eventually went down, but I can’t even tell you how much I couldn’t wait for Anthrax to be finished.

All I remember of them was the singer who ran around in an Indian outfit screaming something about being the man. Whatever - shut up and bring on Ozzy!

And then the time came. They opened with "Over the Mountain," and that’s exactly where they sent me. The whole entire place went crazy.

Although, I wasn’t fortunate enough to see Randy, Zakk was a damned good guitar player and I vividly recall his hair just flying back and forth like a raging forest fire.

They played all of my favorites, which wasn’t too hard since I knew every song on their list. It was one of the very few concerts that I knew every damned word to each song. And proceeded to sing every one at the top of my lungs as though I was the only one in the place.

Aside from the classics, the most standout song I remember most was when they played “Fire in the Sky,” there wasn’t a soul who didn’t have their Bic flickering.

As much as that little tradition may seem cheesy to some, as now they use their cell phones or whatever, but I just think it’s so cool to see all of those little lights twinkling in the darkness and connecting everyone on so many levels.

Ozzy did not disappoint. I don’t care what anyone says about that man. He had the entire place in the palm of his hands immediately.

Bark at the Moon had the entire arena howling in unison. Don’t even mention Mr. Crowley. As soon as the first note of that organ started up, chills ran up my spine and didn’t come down until days later.

There was no doubt in my mind, as people swayed back and forth, that everyone's hearts were completely into that moment and totally surrended to his greatness.

I was spellbound in what turned out to be a truly magical performance. Do they even make them like that anymore?

He really is The Wizard, isn't he?

The Long and Winding Road

2006-09-26T14:30:00.000-07:00

Headline: IN THE CLASSROOM:Rock 'n' roll retrospective

Students in Joe Poshek's History of Rock Music class watch a clip of The Beatles performing on the Ed Sullivan Show in the Robert B. Moore Theatre on the Orange Coast College Campus Thursday.

Why weren't these types of classes offered when I was at LSU? Maybe then I wouldn't have been placed on academic probation and made the decision to go into the military instead.

Then again, nothing beats rocking and rolling with an M-60. I suppose my life had a way of turning out to be a really, really great show anyway.

Boy, Am I Stuffed!

2006-09-25T15:24:00.000-07:00

Headline: Beware the killer teddy bear

A stuffed Paddington Bear turned killer this month at a Fish and Game hatchery in Milford. The bear was dropped into a circular pool by a "person or persons unknown" and clogged the flow of water, killing 2,500 rainbow trout, according to a statement from hatchery supervisor Robert Fawcett.

Aren't those toys just becoming more and more realistic every day? What bear doesn't enjoy sushi every now and then?

Eventually all things return to their true nature. When word gets around about this, soon all of the stuffed animals around the world will come to life and have their vengeance.

When you see that mechanical back-flipping poodle headed your way, beware of dog will have new meaning!

There will be gnashing of bunny teeth. Monkeys not only swinging but kicking harder than Chuck Norris. And I can assure you, the Pink Panther will definitely strike again... and again.

Clear out your closets. Empty your toy chests. Do it now while there's still time. The plush end is near!

Reverse Psychology

2006-09-25T08:14:00.000-07:00

Headline: Man threatens bikers, gets hit with car

PITTSBURG, Calif. - An alleged drunken motorist who brandished a pool cue while driving at a group of motorcyclists was hit by his own car after he attempted to approach the bikers on foot, authorities said.

Note to self: put car in park before picking a fight with a bunch of bikers.

He was so quick to jump out and teach those bad guys a lesson, that he forgot to put his car in park and instead left it in reverse. It rolled backward and knocked him into the street before he could even take the first swing.

The biker guys actually helped that fool by picking him up out of the street before another vehicle could hit him. Guess they don't call them Hell's Angels for nothing.

Given the situation, I suppose I would've helped him, too. Right after I finished my beer and spent a good ten or fifteen minutes pointing and laughing.

While he sits in jail, maybe he'll realize the car probably saved him from getting a real ass kicking and hopefully, he won't try that again. But if he didn't learn the first time, well, all I can say is go ahead - knock yourself out.

Pickled Tink

2006-09-22T09:32:00.000-07:00

Headline: More ticklish than ever

EAST AURORA, N.Y. -- He's still red, fuzzy and really ticklish, but now Elmo's laughing fits have him slapping his knee, falling to the floor, rolling over and pounding his arm.

Sounds a lot like that uncle nobody wants to talk about, except for the red and fuzzy part. Well, until he hits the floor which makes him very red and his memory is consequently fuzzy the next day.

But at least he doesn't have an uncontrollable bladder problem from this laughing conniption - Elmo, that is. I guess they'll save that feature for when they unveil next year's version: Drunk and Obnoxious Elmo.

Instead of the latest version though, this one would slap his wife, fall through the glass coffee table, roll over, and throw up all over the living room floor.

Fun for the whole family!

Holiday seasons haven't known such joy as to have a character like that around to entertain. So, be sure to get your household one of those Elmos when they become available.

I'm sure they'll be going fast - especially if they had a lot of beers!

UFO?

2006-09-19T10:18:00.000-07:00

Headline: NASA Postpones Shuttle Landing Due to Mystery Object

Earlier today at about 2:45 a.m. EDT (0645 GMT) an instrumentation and communications officer in NASA’s shuttle Mission Control room at Johnson Space Center noted an object between the orbiter and Earth, and traveling at about the same speed of the spacecraft.

Uh oh!!

Just remember, "Gort! Klaatu barada nikto!"

Oh Heavens, No!

2006-09-18T19:00:00.000-07:00

Headline: Oversize Orb

Astronomers have discovered what may be the largest planet yet found—an orb that's 36 percent wider than Jupiter and that circles a nearby star.
Researchers say that they're baffled by the giant extrasolar body, which has the lowest density of any known planet.

Hmm...

Better. Stronger. Faster. Maybe.

2006-09-16T03:44:00.000-07:00

Headline: Woman begins new life with bionic arm

Now, Mitchell can peel a banana in a less simian posture. All she has to do is place her prosthetic left arm next to the banana and think about grabbing it. The mechanical hand closes around the fruit and she’s ready to peel.

Technology has come so far, it's truly amazing. I wonder if they included the na-na-na-na-na-na sound chip for when she moves around? Wouldn't that be cool, at least, for a couple of hours?

It's just so wonderful that all she has to do is think about it and the arm understands and responds to her thoughts. Wonderful, that is, if she's not a prime candidate for anger management therapy.

Imagine a check-out lane during a holiday rush. She stands there impatiently waiting, shifting her weight from one foot to the other, huffs loudly enough to make her irritation known to all, and then does the unthinkable: she thinks.

Whack! Bubblegum-popping-check-out-girl just got her teeth knocked out by a bionic arm!

I wonder if that thought crossed anyone's mind when they designed the prosthetic device? It could just be disastrous if the arm got into the wrong hands.

She'd better have some tennis balls handy for the crushing - just in case.

Mama's Got a Squeeze Box

2006-09-15T06:45:00.000-07:00

Headline: The Family That Squeezes Together...

From polkas to waltzes and standards, Kahkonen taught all his children to play the accordion. And they enjoyed it, Joyce recalls -- so much so that they would all don accordions for a group photo.

What a noisy household that must've been! I would also think there was a lot of drinking going on as well. How else could anyone stand polkas so much?

However, the advice he gave his daughter was priceless, "Honey, remember one thing: If you can't play good, play loud."

The accordion may not be my favorite instrument, in fact, I'd rather polka my eyes out than listen to it but I have to admire him for that statement alone.

That's exactly my motto for singing! Although, some would say, a band of drunken accordion players sound a lot better than I do.

Road Hogs

2006-09-14T17:56:00.000-07:00

Headline: Pig withstands tasers, cops on U.S. 41

GREEN BAY, Wis. - A pig withstood taser shots from police officers and eluded authorities for more than an hour after wandering onto Green Bay's major highway. The 150-pound pig was spotted by a passing driver on U.S. 41 at 6 p.m. Wednesday night, Green Bay Police Lt. Todd LePine said.

Well, the taser luau didn’t quite work out as planned, so the officers ended up shooting the pig with 3 tranquilizer darts, wrapped it up, and carted it off to a humane shelter.

I don't know why they gave it away. I’ve always liked pigs-in-a-blanket -- so cute and tasty, but I'd guess one that's 150 lbs would be a bit much.

I just wonder how or why that pig ended up where it was in the first place. Was it truly lost or did it have a plan?

Maybe it was an attempt to commit sueycide-by-cop. Who knows what kinds of troubles pigs go through. Sure, they ham it up at the barnyard dances, but I'm certain they get sick of everyone always busting their chops about something.

I'm just glad it wasn’t hit by an 18-Wheeler. Can you imagine the bursting? Coins would've been raining down from heaven for days, maybe even weeeeeeeeeeks! [pig noise]

I don’t know how those cops do what they do. But those guys wear the uniform for a reason - and this time, it was to be able to tell the difference between them and the pig.

Why the Long Face?

2006-09-12T08:39:00.000-07:00

Headline: 'Ghost tree' forms human face

Scores of people are flocking to a village in northern Malaysia to see a betel nut tree which has sprouted a human-like face.

Human-like? Maybe in Malaysia, but I don't know anyone with a face like that. Okay, maybe Celine Dion.

But other than her, I think someone may have been stuck in the birth canal a little too long - and then got hit by a steamroller on the way home.

Those guys better call up a twitch doctor to rid themselves of that ghost tree very soon, especially before it decides to team up with Anne Geddes for a photo shoot.

2006-09-11T05:09:00.000-07:00

Danza de los Muerto

2006-09-07T09:14:00.000-07:00

Headline: Gang dumps five human heads in bar

Uruapan, Mexico - An armed gang of suspected drug traffickers wearing ski masks threw 5 human heads onto the dance floor of a bar in western Mexico on Wednesday in an apparent revenge killing, prosecutors said.

That scene sounds more disturbing than anything Quentin Tarantino could've dreamed up. I don't know what I would've done in that situation.

What are you supposed to do when five severed heads come rolling across the floor in your direction? The Mexican hat dance?

I guess it all depends on how nonchalant you wanted to seem in that scenario. If the hat dance wasn't enough to do the trick, then there's always the most frightening thing of all: aayyyeee!

Slave 4 Food

2006-09-07T06:22:00.000-07:00

Headline: Scientists Puzzled By Blob on the Beach

Call it for the moment the blob, or the creature from the deep. An enigmatic lump of gelatinous flesh washed ashore on the coast of Chile is puzzling marine scientists.

Sad to say, no new species here. They just weren't aware of Britney's vacation plans.

Get Your Mojo Rising

2006-09-05T05:28:00.000-07:00

Headline: Mercurial dangers for Voodoo followers?

Some practitioners believe that the mercury, which forms tiny droplets in liquid form, can attract love, luck or riches, and even ward off evil, the report said.

But mercury's toxic effects are pronounced in the nervous systems and brains of exposed children, and can damage organs and cause seizures in adults.

One day when I was about 8 years old, I had the bright idea to play sick so I wouldn’t have to go to school. My mom needed to help my brothers and sisters get ready to leave so she told me to take my temperature in the meantime.

When she went into another part of the house, I bolted into the kitchen with the most brilliant plan ever. I flipped the burner of the stove on high, held the thermometer over the flame, and watched as the mercury rose to a suitable stay-home-from-school mark.

Within seconds - PSSSHHHHHH. My eyes were huge, my mouth hung open, and the only thing I held in my hand was a broken piece of glass.

Although that may have seemed like the beginning stages of a voodoo ritual, I would lean more toward a simple state of shock.

The heat caused the thermometer to explode into a million particles of dust, sending mercury and little pieces of glass all over the kitchen floor.

I cleaned up the area as best as I could before her return but didn’t quite finish in time.

Mom: What’s all of this?
Me: I broke the thermometer.
Mom: How in the devil did you do that?
Me: Well, you see, it’s like this... I shook the thermometer to get it back down to the arrow and it flew out of my fingers and crashed onto the floor.
Mom: Gave me a skeptical look before sending me back to bed.

Genius! (insert evil laughter here)

I wouldn’t have felt so smart though had the thing not broken. I don't think I could've come up with a reasonable excuse of why I could still speak sensibly while having a fever of 108°.

This article’s description of the little droplets of mercury reminded me of that time in my life. I’ll never forget those little silvery liquid dots, all shiny and pretty.

As much as I was mesmerized by its beauty and amazed by how it worked like a charm, I didn't make an amulet from it. Mostly because I didn't even know what an amulet was, for one thing, much less how to make one.

Hell, I could barely even make a glass of chocolate milk on my own at that age - Damn those tin caps!

But I guess it didn't really matter anyway because it still brought me luck and warded off evil - evil meaning, 3rd grade math - at least for a day.

No Mower for You

2006-09-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

Headline: Bat, Trimmer, Hammer Used in Lawn Brawl

FRUIT COVE, Fla. - The supervisor went for a bat. The employee whipped out a weed trimmer. Another worker used a hammer to break up the fight.

The safety gloves were off when the supervisor criticised the grass-cutting skills of one of his workers. Exactly how much skill is required to cut grass? It can't be that hard, 10 year old boys do it all of the time!

As far as using equipment as weapons, I get the weed eater concept. Getting hit with one of those would be like getting 100 mph papercuts all over your body - and that would just hurt. Although, it would've been a pain to repeatedly hit it on the ground to make sure the twine was long enough.

Even a leaf blower would've come in handy - send his ass tumbling faster than Boy George. I could even see throwing a bag of fertilizer on the opponent, mix that with the sprinkler system and you'd have some worthy Dixie Wrestling action on your hands.

But what I don't understand is the bat. Why in the hell would lawn care technicians have a bat in their inventory?

Troublesome weeds? Bash 'em in the head - Shaun style. (ow)

It's a good thing the police arrived before the hedge trimmers could be employed or I would imagine they would've all ended up looking something like this...

Dirty Deeds

2006-08-31T04:50:00.000-07:00

Headline: Schoolgirl 'stabbed for love of AC/DC'

She had been the victim of a string of attacks, hreats and had even received prank calls at home because she is what is known as "a metaler", Guildford Crown Court heard today.

Some things never change. When I was young everyone thought the rockers were the ones who started all of the trouble when, in all actuality, it was the GoGos-listening-popular crowd who were the evil ones.

How could anyone possibly be considered nice when they had a little alligator displayed on their upper left side of their sweaters? That was the first clue.

Who are they listening to now, I wonder - Ashley Simpson? That would certainly make me want to put an eye out but, more than likely, my own.

I feel sorry for the girl and I hope she doesn't let this deter her from continuing to have her own style. If I could give her some advice it would be simply this.

When others consider you to be a Problem Child, don't let them Walk All Over You because, in my opinion, The Girl's Got Rhythm.

In other words, I'm sure this incident has taught you that It's A Long Way to the Top if you Wanna to Rock and Roll but once you're feeling better, feel free to Have a Drink on Me.

Last but not least, always know that everyone who reads this article will say to themselves, For Those About to Rock - We Salute You!

Oh, and one more thing, you'll look much better than them at your first class reunion.

Pasteur Limits

2006-08-30T06:22:00.000-07:00

Headline: World's oldest person dies at age 116

QUITO, Ecuador (Reuters) - The world's oldest person, a 116-year-old Ecuadorean woman who drank donkey milk for health, died on Sunday less than a month before her birthday.

The news report goes on to say she died of complications from pneumonia. At least, that's what they put on the death certificate.

Without getting too graphic, I'd have to say she was killed by a rapid hoof to the back of the head.

Call me an ass, but there is just something very, very wrong going on south of the equator.

This Has Been a Filmways Presentation

2006-08-28T12:30:00.000-07:00

Headline: Switch off TV and switch on your memory

CANBERRA (Reuters) - Turning off the television, picking up a crossword and eating more fish could be the key to a better memory, an Australian survey has found.

They may have a point but I'm still not completely convinced that turning off the TV will help with mental retention.

Growing up, watching things like Schoolhouse Rock helped me tremendously when it came to memorization.

If there ever comes a time when someone needs to recite the preamble or be taught how to use pronouns, then I'm your girl.

Before I watched that program, I was going around calling everyone I knew Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla when I could've simply used the word he instead. Television can't be all bad, except maybe for Rufus.

No doubt there will be an occasion when someone will request to hear the theme song from Gilligan's Island or the Beverly Hillbillies. And when they do, look no further than right here because I know all of the words, without the use of a karaoke machine.

In fact, I can even recall the name of Ellie Mae's fancy Hollywood boyfriend. For those of you who may not have taken their shoes off and set a spell with the Clampetts at any point in life, his name was Dash Riprock - not to be confused with anything pertaining to the Flintstones.

Initially, after reading this article, there were several things that came to mind to discount their notions, but for some reason those thoughts have escaped me.

I'm sure it'll all come back to me later, though, as soon as I figure out why I walked into the living room.

It Dawned on Me

2006-08-24T08:05:00.000-07:00

What started out as a typical morning filled with routine duties, such as work the newspaper's Jumble and clean the breakfast dishes, turned out to be quite an adventure.

I held my fingers under the running water until it was the right amount of warmth before I plugged the sink and added a large squirt of Dawn dishwashing liquid.

As it filled, I went outside with my dog to have a quick smoke, although my dog gave up the filthy habit quite some time ago she came out with me anyway. A few minutes passed as I watched my dog run around the yard before I heard a strange noise coming from inside. Then it dawned on me.

THE WATER WAS STILL RUNNING

When I looked through the door, my eyes caught sight of one thing that could only be described by three words: ICEBERG – DEAD AHEAD!

A bubbly iceberg large enough to take out the Titanic was growing bigger and bigger in the sink. Water started to spill over onto the countertops and onto the floor as I stood and gawked at a sight that was beyond belief.

I dove in to prevent further damage and salvage what I could. Plates floated by as I waded toward the faucet. I knew I was in big trouble when I heard a string quartet playing in the background and saw my dog floating away atop a broken door, screaming, “Jack, I’ll never let go!!!”

Sheets and sheets of paper towels were steadily ripped off of the roll as I tried to sop up the mess. A bowl came in handy to try to bail the water. It was then that a sarcastic, quiet voice spoke to my heart: pull out the stopper, Jackass!

Right!

So, I pulled out the stopper and let it drain, while sudsy chaos still needed to be sopped up from every nook and cranny. Paper towels turned out to be as useful as Leonardo DiCaprio attending the Academy Awards; therefore, I employed the mop, which hung in my pantry.

Once all of the decks were swabbed and things were in ship shape again, I laughed at my own carelessness and thought to myself that I'd just had my first senior moment.

Luckily, nothing was damaged. Also, I now have a very clean kitchen - and dog - but there is one thing that I haven’t been able to find yet.

Last Rite of Passage

2006-08-23T04:22:00.000-07:00

Headline: Stripper for 102nd birthday party

Staff at a home for the elderly organised an unlikely present for a resident's 102nd birthday - a stripper.

Planning an event such as that one had to have been difficult, to say the least. I would imagine the scene looked more like an emergency room than a birthday party.

Paramedics on stand-by, a priest waiting in the wings, and lawyers milling over wills just in case she went into cardiac arrest during the show.

Maybe they hooked up the heart monitor to the stereo and made it beep with the beat. As long as they didn't forget to double-up on her Depends things should have gone smoothly.

As for the male dancer, he apparently has no shame - taking money from an old lady. She probably slipped him some dollar bills with her teeth, which would've been easier to retrieve with a fish net since her teeth were in a cup of Efferdent across the room. Hey, wet money is still money, right?

Actually, it was probably the easiest job he's ever had. He couldn't have been bumping and grinding too much or she would've become like a fine powder by the end of the dance. Her walker may have come in handy as a prop for him as well.

I just can't imagine who would accept a job like that in the first place. Norman Bates comes to mind.

She had a great time though and requested to have 2 strippers next year. I just don't know if I'd be tempting fate that much, being as she's read every magazine in Heaven's waiting room - twice.

But I'm sure God will have mercy on her, moreso if the male dancer was a 93 year old.